You know you’re onto something good if you’re feeling both emotions at the same time, and here I am doing just that because I’ve reopened the door to my first love.
My friend, who plays piano and sings, contacted me about an open mic she and her husband were hosting. I replied that I wasn’t going to play – I had no songs worked up and wasn’t planning to play live any time soon – but that I’d be there to support those who were playing.
She replied, maybe come over to the house and play some songs with me? No pressure?
And that’s how, 24 hours later, I was standing on stage with my friend, playing and singing to a small but attentive crowd. And it felt like I’d come home.
Despite nerves, no significant practice (which freaks me out! I like to practice, a lot!), and some technical difficulties, we pulled off three songs, one of which we totally nailed. (Elton John’s Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.)
And the connection to the audience was beautiful. To feel that connection with them was as if I’ve been starving myself and finally, finally, made myself a delicious home-cooked meal.
So why terror, you ask? Why not just the exaltation at coming back to my first art form, one I’ve done since I was a girl but quit 20 years ago, after the band broke up? (Which was messy, and didn’t help me keep going with live performance.)
I’m still sorting it out, but it’s something about vulnerability. It’s easy to hide behind writing, this blog, and photography. They put up a barrier between me and you.
But with live music, there’s no hiding. It’s in the room, it’s raw, and there’s plenty of chance for error. But singing is when I feel – and have always felt – the most alive, and the most connected to people and the planet, even. As if I’m drawing energy up from the earth, through my feet, through my body and heart, then out into the world. There’s nothing else I do that compares.
I found this photo of me back in 1994 playing a house party with the band. We did originals and covers – Hot Child in the City was a hit that day – and were so loud we drove everyone out onto the front lawn with the first song. It was awesome.
I had no idea how much I’ve missed it.
So I’m committing to giving it another shot. (The photography project continues, natch.) I’m committing to starting over as a beginner, to guitar practice and pushing my vocals, and letting go of old, unhelpful ideas about my talents and worth.
I plan to play out every week or so, and I also plan to post more videos here. I may even get back into songwriting, but I’m just going to enjoy this for now. I tend to get dead serious about things and then burn myself out, so I’m going to let songwriting emerge organically if it wants to.
Is there anything in your life that your heart and soul yearn for, but you’re putting off or avoiding? Have you thought about why? I’d love to hear.
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Dying to catch up – but actually heading out this second – to go meet Andrew Keeler(!!) for lunch! Got a Facebook post – and here we are!! Dashing off… Miss and love you!!!! Xo Lauren
Lauren! Good lord, we are so overdue for a proper catch-up. Have fun hanging with Andrew, and let’s talk soon. Love you.
Deonne, this sounds like magic and the universe is totally behind you at this moment of huge shifts and heartfelt changes letting go of the old and leaping into the new path! Best wishes for all the best notes! Susan
Thank you so much, Susan! It does seem like everything is in alignment now, and I couldn’t be happier.
I can tell by your writing that human connection is just what you needed!
Sherry, exactly! And truly, singing has always been my very favorite thing to do, but for years I thought I couldn’t do it anymore. Good grief. Glad to finally get rid of those old negative voices in my head.
I wrote this on fb to you.
Welcome home……..
Thanks, Jon!
I. Love. This.
That is all.
Aw. Thanks, Deborah.
Good for you! And I understand the terror.
Thanks, Emilie! Part of it was the impromptu nature of Tuesday’s set – the next ones won’t be the same, since I’ll have more time to practice and a come up with a set list ahead of time.
What a great post. And an amazing photo! I love it! I had a similar experience this week. I went to a wood kiln fire, and then 2 days later to the opening, to see what came out of the kiln. My friend’s husband is a ceramics teacher, and this was the work by his students. So I knew no one but my friend and her husband. But I got out my cell phone, and documented the whole process in photos, then posted it on Facebook in 3 different parts as a series of photo stories. What I realized later was that I have been doing this since I was a kid. I used to take photos of the farrier when he shoed our horses and put them into a story. I would have my little brothers dress up as cowboys and act out an OK Corral gun fight, and shoot that! I’m a writer, and I guess this is just another way I’m a storyteller. But there is no blank page fright with this one…it’s something that just makes me happy, even though part of me doesn’t really feel like I’m a “photographer.” So, maybe, this is a place I need to go to more often! (Sorry for the long post!)
@michelle, I love that idea!
Michelle, that’s so great! Very photojournalist, which isn’t a stretch for you. 🙂 Sounds like you need to do more of that when you get the chance.
Love, love, love the photo!!! I am going to watercolor this month. I’ve never really done it before, unless you count painting with my daughter which I know totally counts but still. This is an adult class with adult supplies and it feels like the right time to try and do it.
Manisha – Thank you! That’s so great about the watercolor class, and I hope you have a blast with it. I’m finding it refreshing and exciting to get back to singing and guitar now, not as a beginner, but with a beginner’s curiosity. Go, us!